The Devaluation Stage
It was a little over 2 months in that the cracks began to show. I began to find traces of conversations between him and his friends of him bragging about sleeping with girls in relationships, using explicit language and even sending nude photographs of these girls to his friends these conversations being only weeks before meeting me. I was shocked this wasn't the moral man I thought he was his words and actions were vulgar what if he would do that to me if we were to ever break up it didn't add up to the charming persona he'd let off to me.
I decided to confront him about it to assure myself that this was past behaviours (although they theoretically were recent'. He began to cry and say that it was all an act to his friends, that he'd never had any sexual engagement with any of those girls, he continued to say that they were girls he had met on the internet and felt like he had to keep up with his male friends and their sexual encounters, he said he liked feeling that he could talk to girls on the internet and make them feel special and loved because he struggled to do it in real life. He said he would go and sit in restaurants on his own and pretend he was out with girls he called him self a 'loser' that I didn't deserve him how I would 'find someone better' and his words and tears broke my heart into pieces. I comforted him and told him he wasn't a loser and had nothing to prove with anyone that he had me and I loved him and that's all that mattered.
Little did I know that although I came to know that this was a lie and he had been involved with every girl mentioned, he had no issue meeting girls on or offline he had every confidence in himself, he knew he was good looking, had a nice car, good job and above all knew how to get a girl to be completely besotted with him.
However there was still an underlying truth flowing throughout it he was indirectly declaring and owning up to his narcissistic personality but at this point I was ignorant so I didn't realise it.
The days past and we were back to our old selves no issues. Days later we were on a walk in the park and as we were leaving I turned to him and said 'Are you happy, are you sure this is what you want I don't want you feel pressured into anything I just want to know you're comfortable' and he looked and stared into the distance making no eye contact with me. And suddenly he snapped and started barking at me 'You've ruined another day, look what you've done' I was taken a back what did I do wrong? Did I say something I shouldn't have? Another day? What other day had I ruined? We got back into the car in silence he didn't turn the engine on he just kept shouting 'Its you thats going to cheat on me first it wont be me you're going to find someone else' I broke down in tears where had this come from? He was barking at me and I was almost scared to be in the car with him, people were walking past looking in and it was completely humiliating I was so embarrassed and it felt like it was my fault.
So far we'd had no arguments just pure understanding, at this point we weren't with each other that often from Friday to Monday and I'd come home we still had our space I didnt understand at all what had caused him to switch at me.
On the drive home we managed to shake off the commotion he got back to his place and he asked if he wanted me to come to get his parents from the station I said no as I thought it would be best if we had some space to cool down.
He left and I reached for the laptop to check my emails, his were logged in but before I went to log out something said to me 'Look' as much as I hate snooping my gut was speaking way to loud for me to ignore it.
I found a stream of emails to another person the twist being that the email address was French ending in .fr instead of .com or .co.uk. I was puzzled who was this person he'd been corresponding with it couldnt be work he has a private email for that.
I opened them, and he was courting a female who lived in France in one email stating she was 'Beautiful, had a great smile, was down to earth and genuine' all the things he said I was all the things he said made me special all the things he said made me the person he wanted to marry have children with and make effort for.
In one email he even proposed that he would get on a train to France to go and meet this female he had never met.
He made me believe everything he was doing was being done for us, that very day he made me feel as though it was me that would go behind his back first that it was me that was going to fuck up.
He returned home to find me crying.
He panicked 'What's wrong?! What's happened?!'
'Who is she?' I asked.
'Just tell me who she is'
He replied ' She's not even from here'
Can you imagine that was his response.
His justification.
I began packing my things I was done, I was leaving, he was never going to hear from me or see me or my family again.
I had already distanced myself from friends and some family members who I'd chosen him against and I felt so betrayed. Who was this man? What were his motives?
'Why couldn't you talk to me?' I pleaded.
'I'm here, I'm your girlfriend and you have to talk to a stranger in another country am I not enough?'
He began to cry....again.
He told me he had a problem an addiction he needed to see someone for help pleaded me not to leave not to go home, again seeing him cry pained me and instead of me crying for me I was crying for him I had never been so weak in my life his manipulation had already consumed all my morals it had consumed the person I was.
I didn't leave.
I went home that following morning and my best friend who was already wary of him came over to console me he called me and said 'I dont remember any of it I dont remember saying anything I black out I dont remember a thing'
My friend was sitting there looking at me like I was a stranger
'Alex how are you believing this crap he's chatting shit'
But again I didnt want to believe her I wanted to believe him.
He began to call and call me crying because at this point he knew the tears worked on me that was my weakness seeing him cry it killed me.
And we were back together but everything was different.
He no longer called me beautiful, genuine, down to earth he stopped asking me to smile for him. We didnt go out as often, he wanted me to stay with him all the time, he wanted me there so I stayed during the week on the weekend.
He stopped seeing his friends and I didnt like that at all I wanted him to see his friends, to pursue university and sport I didn't want it to seem like he was baby sitting me because thats how it began to feel.
I tip toed around him and my self esteem was at an all time low but he would never know that or never care to know.
Deep down I knew that but I didn't care I loved him.
From then on I didn't trust him he knew it I knew it but I was trying hard to push it to the back of my head and just get on with it. But this wasnt the guy I met he even began to look different, not that I wasn't attracted any more he just looked like a completely different person to me the differences were subtle yet obvious but then again
I loved him.
From then on he started to show his affection in another way through money he would compulsively buy me things I didn't want nor need or ask for to the point it started to make me feel uncomfortable but I was always grateful.
The final straw came when I found a number of a girl he'd had sex with hidden in his phone under a males name. Little did I know then that this girl he had slept with whilst he was courting me, I came to understand that he had too put on his charming ploy to sleep with her and when he met me cut her off completely giving her the silent treatment and disregarding her completely but had kept her details and hidden them knowing that he already had such a manipulative hold over her that he would re-establish communication with her whenever he wanted. It came to light that even after completely disregarding this female he had got her to lie on his behalf if I were to ever contact her, and her suffering from the classic symptoms of being broken by a narcissistic complied and did what he wanted but I broke the cycle and that leads to the final phase.
